That's an interesting question to me. If anyone asked me, I probably would say as many as people that like me. I cannot say I am above putting my self-worth on that alone. If people like me, I must have value. I am sure that this can resonate with you.
All these emotions well up, depression that "no one" likes me, anger at my ego for wanting all this validation. All of these things seem so superficial and silly, but they still have their hooks in me. My thoughts drift to, "How can I take this and make it beneficial?"
My depression sits on the axis of a concrete self and thinking I NEED people to validate me. Maybe people don't want to be around someone who is always looking to suck the love out of them. Well, some people dig that, but that's neither here nor there. You have to give love to get love. Who is going to give first?
I realized last night, that I am my own worst enemy. I hate myself more than anyone does. How tragic and scary is that? I am constantly with the enemy. At least I know my enemy. I feel I can really reach this enemy, I mean, we have a lot in common. We sit together. We talk together. Argue together. Feel the exact same feelings. Play music together. Make love together. I am slowly making friends with myself. Picking myself up off of the ground and realizing I am self and I am other. I am self and I am enemy self and I am nothing. All at the same time. I want to make this enemy my best friend and I feel I can get close to this mark.
We have emotions constantly all day. Instead of letting them drag you around with their hooks inside of you. Feeling bad for feeling good. Feeling good for feeling bad. All of these things are products of what is rooted in ignorance. Not seeing it for what it is. Once you see it for what it is, maybe we can turn it around for the benefit of all beings. I cannot wait until I see. Until then, this depression will be with me and I will put my arm around it. Not let it put it's arms around me and I will let the enemy know it's loved and it's role is known.
Let's get a tea together and play some tunes.
Many bows,
M. Bicanovsky.
